she woke up with a sticky ear
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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