I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
