Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
