I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
