He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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