I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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