fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Drake has all the answers
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
