i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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