I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I need to align my fucking chakras
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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