I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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