I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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