Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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