i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
