We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
