well I can't set my house on fire every night
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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