Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
