He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
