Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize