I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
