I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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