Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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