my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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