I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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