Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
