we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
