Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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