3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
