my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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