I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
