I accidentally had phone sex last night
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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