Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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