so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
