That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
