My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
