May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
