You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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