there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
