I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
