you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize