Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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