im six kinds of drunk right now
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
