I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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