New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
