I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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