Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Ladies don't puke and tell
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