I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize