Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
