You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
