I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
