I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
