the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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