Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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