I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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