I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
