somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
