EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
