I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
