and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize