If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
In other news, I just burned my penis
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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