I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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