Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
