my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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