in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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