I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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