my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
